Mary Ethel Morton – 2008 Monologue

Hi there, I’m Mary Ethel Morton. I had occasion at the last reunion to read a letter that I had received and people mistakenly believed that I was some sort of comic! Well – when I asked Rose Mary what I could do to help for this reunion, she said: “Oh –you’ve got to do something funny!” Being the shy, quiet, reserved person that I am, I wondered what you people would consider to be funny.

I thought of a strip tease – but that would be just plain cruel!

I thought I could talk about our days at good old AHS – but really! What was funny about that!

I thought I could tell stories about most of you – but I can’t remember who most of you are! So I guess I’ll just chatter on about some of this & some of that. Don’t feel obligated to be amused – the fact that I would crawl from the stage in bitter disappointment, with my bosoms heaving in great sobs – no – don’t let that bother you.

Also, you will note that I use crib sheets. What kind of comic uses crib sheets? I swear that I DID NOT use crib sheets in High School! Now – in Miss Scoular’s class! – But I couldn’t read then!

Remember as young women we were not supposed to burp, sweat, snore or pass gas? Therefore, we must bitch or we’ll blow up!

I like Andy Rooney’s look at life:

“Hey, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

“Let’s die first, get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. Get kicked out because you’re too young, get a gold watch and go to work. Work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy retirement. Do drugs, alcohol, party, get ready for high school. Go to grade school, become a kid, play, have no responsibilities. Become a little baby, and go back into the womb. Spend the last nine months floating and finish off as an orgasm.”

You may have noticed that I am a tad overweight – but I have found that the older I get, the tougher it is to lose weight – my body and fat are now really good friends and I can’t break them up!

I have tried to get in tune with my body. Although mine isn’t all that communicative – I heard from it the other day. I thought –maybe I will do some stretches and then go out power walking –clear as a bell, my body said “Listen witch – do it and die!”

Actually I gave up jogging for my health – my thighs rubbed together & set my pantyhose on fire!

You know, skinny people really irritate me! A friend of mine said “Sometimes I get so busy, I just forget to eat.” Now, I’ve forgotten names. I’ve forgotten situations & I’ve forgotten keys –but I have NEVER forgotten to eat! You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

I can’t help but notice that a few of you out there have aged a tad since I last saw you.

Well – don’t be depressed – it has happened even to me! There seem to be systems within my body that have lost all their control. I remember my mother telling me about an older cousin of ours who had a problem with methane expulsion! (Ask Andy Brown, if you don’t know what that means!) Seems like every time she got up out of a chair – she would expel short bursts of this methane. My Mom would tell me to whistle ‘O, Canada’ as she arose as a cover-up – you’d think she was royalty – she always got a 21 gun salute and the national anthem every time she stood up! I think I must be next in line to the throne!

Now – all you educators out there – cover your ears! The one thing about trying to put together a comedy routine when you don’t have enough money to pay writers – is – plagiarism! I don’t know if any of you have heard of Mrs Hughes – but she’s my idol. Any of you who have heard this – talk amongst yourselves [found it on YouTube]!

“You know, before I met Stanley, I dated a guy who was really smooth. On the third date he whispered, ‘How would you like your eggs in the morning?’ – I told him – unfertilized!

I asked a friend of mine, ‘Why is it so hard to find men who are caring, sensitive & good looking?’ – She said – ‘Because those men already have boyfriends!’

“I’ve been married for a long time – so long, in fact, that my oldest daughter is my age!

I didn’t mean to be married this long – no – I just stayed around the last 10 years just to p… him off! Who thought ‘Till death do us part’ was going to take so long!

“The reason my husband & I are together today is the kids – neither one of us wanted custody! My son Scooter was the sweetest child on the planet. When he was 10, Scooter sat at the dinner table & said ‘When I grow up Momma I want to marry someone just like you!’– out of the corner of my eye, I could see Stanley going ‘Noooooohhhhhhhh!’

“Pretty soon, Scooter was a teenager and had copped an attitude! After a rather scathing parent-teen conversation, he came up to me & said, ‘So! Why’d you have me?’ Well – we didn’t know it would be YOU! We were hoping for someone with a job!

“Now, Scooter wasn’t the sharpest cheese on the cracker. When he was young – he thought the Christmas Carol was ‘Round John Virgin’. I figure it was my fault – all the time he was growing up, I’d say ‘Don’t get smart!’ – Now he’s grown and he’s not!

“He brought his girlfriend home last week. The first time I saw Hiawatha, she had a large safety pin through her eyebrow. I didn’t even know that an eyebrow could fall off!”

“I’m a grandmother too – I don’t have any jokes about it because they live with us & it’s not funny!

“It’s hard to believe I’m old enough to be a grandmother – this is how old I am! (FAN YOURSELF) The hot flashes were so bad; I thought global warming was my fault! Al Gore’s been following me for three days!

“Then the doctor said ‘You’re going through the change of life.’ – Change of life – remember girls when you went through puberty – they told you that you were becoming a woman! When you go through menopause they don’t tell WHAT you’re becoming! – I’m becoming my father! (rub whiskers)

“No matter what kind of doctor I go to, at my age, I end up on my back with my feet in the air. I thought that was excessive at the optometrists!

“It’s not a great experience! You walk into the office, lie down on a metal table covered with butcher paper – you put your feet in stirrups – I’ve had my feet in more stirrups than Dale Evans!

Then Dr. Mengele’s nurse comes in (He was a really evil man in World War 2 for those of you educated in Carleton Place!) and she says ‘Scoot down – scoot! Scoot!’ until you’re bent like a pretzel. Then you wait there for the doctor to get his implements out of the refrigerator.

“Diets don’t work for me, and girdles are back in the store. So I bought a girdle – I struggled pulling it up – pulling & tugging – I pushed up all the fat – gained 2 Bra sizes and fell flat on my face!

“The all-in one body shaper is the way to go – you know – the one with the snap crotch! Of course – it helps if you can reach your crotch!

“I went to Victoria Secret to get fitted for a bra – they took my measurements then sent me to Home Depot! – which was a good thing, because I bought a compass, and I put it right here – to remind these girls which way to point. They’re heading around back. In a few years I’ll really be fun to slow dance with!

“Here’s a song I wrote for Scooter when he was 18:

I know you’re young & you like to rap,

But I’m your momma & I hate that crap,

I’ll talk to you in a rappin’ way

Maybe you’ll listen to what I say.

You pierced your tongue and your nose,

And I hate the way you wear your clothes,

If you have to wear your pants that low,

Pull your underwear up so your butt won’t show.

(muffled – bubba shoop bubba shoop)

Tell me something ‘bout your girlfriend Joy

Leaves the toilet seat up – we think she’s a boy,

And there’s something strange growing in your room

When I went to sweep it ate the broom.

And in your dresser – next to your socks,

I found your stash in a little box.

I won’t get daddy to kick your ass

‘cause at Bridge today – we smoked your grass!”