With all our progress, don’t you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of today?

Do you still remember Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk?

I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on. To remember what a “double dog dare” is, read on. And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.

- candy cigarettes
- wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
- soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
- coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
- blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
- home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
- newsreels before the movie
- P.F. Fliers
- telephone numbers with a word prefix (Raymond 4-601)

- party lines
- Howdy Dowdy
- Hi-Fi’s
- 45 RPM records
- 78 RPM records!
- metal ice cubes trays with levers
- roller-skate keys
- cork pop guns
- Studebakers
- washtub wringers
- Erector Sets
- 15-cent McDonald hamburgers

- 5-cent packs of baseball cards (with that awful pink slab of bubble gum)
- penny candy
- 25-cent a gallon gasoline

- ‘race issue’ meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
- catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
- having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
- ‘oly-oly-oxen-free’ made perfect sense?
- spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
- the worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
- baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?

- taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?

- water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived! Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their ‘grown-up’ life – I double-dog-dare-ya!

What a wonderful time for re-connection, for renewing and strengthening bonds of friendship!

We wish each one of you health and prosperity, and look forward to many more opportunities to meet – be it one-one, small groups or large gatherings such as we have just enjoyed.

Some have sent photos taken at the reunion – we hope more of you will do so!

If any of you would like to offer comments or observations relative to the reunion, please feel welcomed to do so.

You may also have seen John’s “nose” contribution and Mary Ethel’s comic monologues – if not, have a look!

Until next time!

I thought of a strip tease – but that would be just plain cruel!

I thought I could talk about our days at good old AHS – but really! What was funny about that!

I thought I could tell stories about most of you – but I can’t remember who most of you are! So I guess I’ll just chatter on about some of this & some of that. Don’t feel obligated to be amused – the fact that I would crawl from the stage in bitter disappointment, with my bosoms heaving in great sobs – no – don’t let that bother you.

Also, you will note that I use crib sheets. What kind of comic uses crib sheets? I swear that I DID NOT use crib sheets in High School! Now – in Miss Scoular’s class! – But I couldn’t read then!

Remember as young women we were not supposed to burp, sweat, snore or pass gas? Therefore, we must bitch or we’ll blow up!

I like Andy Rooney’s look at life:

“Hey, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

“Let’s die first, get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. Get kicked out because you’re too young, get a gold watch and go to work. Work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy retirement. Do drugs, alcohol, party, get ready for high school. Go to grade school, become a kid, play, have no responsibilities. Become a little baby, and go back into the womb. Spend the last nine months floating and finish off as an orgasm.”

You may have noticed that I am a tad overweight – but I have found that the older I get, the tougher it is to lose weight – my body and fat are now really good friends and I can’t break them up!

I have tried to get in tune with my body. Although mine isn’t all that communicative – I heard from it the other day. I thought –maybe I will do some stretches and then go out power walking –clear as a bell, my body said “Listen witch – do it and die!”

Actually I gave up jogging for my health – my thighs rubbed together & set my pantyhose on fire!

You know, skinny people really irritate me! A friend of mine said “Sometimes I get so busy, I just forget to eat.” Now, I’ve forgotten names. I’ve forgotten situations & I’ve forgotten keys –but I have NEVER forgotten to eat! You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

I can’t help but notice that a few of you out there have aged a tad since I last saw you.

Well – don’t be depressed – it has happened even to me! There seem to be systems within my body that have lost all their control. I remember my mother telling me about an older cousin of ours who had a problem with methane expulsion! (Ask Andy Brown, if you don’t know what that means!) Seems like every time she got up out of a chair – she would expel short bursts of this methane. My Mom would tell me to whistle ‘O, Canada’ as she arose as a cover-up – you’d think she was royalty – she always got a 21 gun salute and the national anthem every time she stood up! I think I must be next in line to the throne!

Now – all you educators out there – cover your ears! The one thing about trying to put together a comedy routine when you don’t have enough money to pay writers – is – plagiarism! I don’t know if any of you have heard of Mrs Hughes – but she’s my idol. Any of you who have heard this – talk amongst yourselves [found it on YouTube]!

“You know, before I met Stanley, I dated a guy who was really smooth. On the third date he whispered, ‘How would you like your eggs in the morning?’ – I told him – unfertilized!

I asked a friend of mine, ‘Why is it so hard to find men who are caring, sensitive & good looking?’ – She said – ‘Because those men already have boyfriends!’

“I’ve been married for a long time – so long, in fact, that my oldest daughter is my age!

I didn’t mean to be married this long – no – I just stayed around the last 10 years just to p… him off! Who thought ‘Till death do us part’ was going to take so long!

“The reason my husband & I are together today is the kids – neither one of us wanted custody! My son Scooter was the sweetest child on the planet. When he was 10, Scooter sat at the dinner table & said ‘When I grow up Momma I want to marry someone just like you!’– out of the corner of my eye, I could see Stanley going ‘Noooooohhhhhhhh!’

“Pretty soon, Scooter was a teenager and had copped an attitude! After a rather scathing parent-teen conversation, he came up to me & said, ‘So! Why’d you have me?’ Well – we didn’t know it would be YOU! We were hoping for someone with a job!

“Now, Scooter wasn’t the sharpest cheese on the cracker. When he was young – he thought the Christmas Carol was ‘Round John Virgin’. I figure it was my fault – all the time he was growing up, I’d say ‘Don’t get smart!’ – Now he’s grown and he’s not!

“He brought his girlfriend home last week. The first time I saw Hiawatha, she had a large safety pin through her eyebrow. I didn’t even know that an eyebrow could fall off!”

“I’m a grandmother too – I don’t have any jokes about it because they live with us & it’s not funny!

“It’s hard to believe I’m old enough to be a grandmother – this is how old I am! (FAN YOURSELF) The hot flashes were so bad; I thought global warming was my fault! Al Gore’s been following me for three days!

“Then the doctor said ‘You’re going through the change of life.’ – Change of life – remember girls when you went through puberty – they told you that you were becoming a woman! When you go through menopause they don’t tell WHAT you’re becoming! – I’m becoming my father! (rub whiskers)

“No matter what kind of doctor I go to, at my age, I end up on my back with my feet in the air. I thought that was excessive at the optometrists!

“It’s not a great experience! You walk into the office, lie down on a metal table covered with butcher paper – you put your feet in stirrups – I’ve had my feet in more stirrups than Dale Evans!

Then Dr. Mengele’s nurse comes in (He was a really evil man in World War 2 for those of you educated in Carleton Place!) and she says ‘Scoot down – scoot! Scoot!’ until you’re bent like a pretzel. Then you wait there for the doctor to get his implements out of the refrigerator.

“Diets don’t work for me, and girdles are back in the store. So I bought a girdle – I struggled pulling it up – pulling & tugging – I pushed up all the fat – gained 2 Bra sizes and fell flat on my face!

“The all-in one body shaper is the way to go – you know – the one with the snap crotch! Of course – it helps if you can reach your crotch!

“I went to Victoria Secret to get fitted for a bra – they took my measurements then sent me to Home Depot! – which was a good thing, because I bought a compass, and I put it right here – to remind these girls which way to point. They’re heading around back. In a few years I’ll really be fun to slow dance with!

“Here’s a song I wrote for Scooter when he was 18:

I know you’re young & you like to rap,

But I’m your momma & I hate that crap,

I’ll talk to you in a rappin’ way

Maybe you’ll listen to what I say.

You pierced your tongue and your nose,

And I hate the way you wear your clothes,

If you have to wear your pants that low,

Pull your underwear up so your butt won’t show.

(muffled – bubba shoop bubba shoop)

Tell me something ‘bout your girlfriend Joy

Leaves the toilet seat up – we think she’s a boy,

And there’s something strange growing in your room

When I went to sweep it ate the broom.

And in your dresser – next to your socks,

I found your stash in a little box.

I won’t get daddy to kick your ass

‘cause at Bridge today – we smoked your grass!”

I set my hair on the hot rollers. I felt wonderful. Ready to take on the world. Or in this instance, my underwear.

With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I pulled out the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, ham hock-rounding girdle, and the matching “lifting those bosoms like they’re filled with helium” bra.

I greased my body with the scented body lotion and began the plunge. I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied, hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled, and kicked.

Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done. And it didn’t look bad.

So I rested. A well deserved rest, too. The girdle was on my body.

Bounce a quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say, “Rubber baby buggy bumper butt?”

Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways, and I couldn’t move from my butt cheeks to my knees. But, I was firm!

Oh no…I had to go to the bathroom. And there wasn’t a snap crotch.

From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro, but the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind. I quickly side stepped to the bathroom. An hour later, I had answered nature’s call and repeated the struggle into the girdle. I was ready for the bra and remembered what the saleslady said to do. I could see her glossed lips mouthing, “Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around. Put the bra on the way it should be worn–straps over the shoulders. Then bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups.”

Easy if you have four hands. But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down…but the boobs weren’t cooperating. I’d no sooner tuck one in a cup, and while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a strategy. I bounced up and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn’t work.

So, while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and toes and I set ‘em to swinging. Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift, I captured the gliding glands. Quickly fastening the back of the bra, I stood up for examination. Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror, turning front, and then sideways. I smiled, “Yes, Houston, we have lift up!” My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage!

I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chin rest and I couldn’t see my feet. I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes. Oh…why did I buy heels with buckles? Then I had to pee again.

I put on my sweats, fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza, and skipped the reunion.

A toast — to signs of aging that mark our manly passage!

To aching back and creaking joints and lusty anal gaseage!

But surest sign that we’ve arrived at full-blown midlife level

Is best confirmed when in our nose we find a lengthy tendril

That just when all our other hairs show flecks of grey or thinning

Announces to our nasal pores that it is just beginning

To show how long (and curly too) a virile man by nature,

As sign of maturation true, can grow a stoutly nose hair.

No great display for public view, it quietly expresses

Its potency in privacy through nostril itch distresses.

And though its ticklish, tweakish ways may set our noses dripping

And sneezing bouts become the norm of midlife’s onward creeping,

Be proud of what that hair denotes, and let it be a symbol

Of virile manhood still intact as hairs from nostrils dangle,

And when it gets too much to bear, this manly goober skimmer,
Then take in hand that nasal thatch, and thin with nose hair trimmer.

–John Anderson, 2002.

I was downstairs – I was composing
And for a moment I was stuck,
But I knew if I went upstairs
I’d got the answer in the book.

I started up the staircase,
I was halfway to the top -
I thought, what am I going upstairs for?
This brought me to a stop.

Now if you’re a bit forgetful
You must never stop halfway!
To be in a state of inertia
Brings new questions into play.

I find advancing years
Have placed a limit on my knowing -
And without the clue of motion
I thought… which way was I going?

Me hands were empty – no clue there;
I pondered with a frown;
The odds were 50/50 -
I chose up instead of down.

I felt a sense of achievement
When I reached the upper floor,
Though I didn’t know if I’d wanted to
Or if I did… what for?

I didn’t need the bathroom,
That had not been my intent.
But it gave my trip a purpose
And so being there, I went!

I returned downstairs -
I needed that; it justified my climb.
You may recall – I didn’t;
I’d forgotten by this time!

I was downstairs – I was composing
And at that moment I was struck
By the blinding revelation
That I’d been to find a book!

I ran upstairs immediately
And there I quickly learned
I’d been looking for a library book
Which last week I had returned!

I hurried to the library,
Mingled with the staff and the browsers.
I was getting odd looks – I knew something was wrong;
I came straight home and put on me trousers!

Once more I returned to the library,
Went straight to the desk and explained why I came:
“I’m looking for a book on amnesia -
I forget the author’s name!”

The librarian shook his head sadly.
“Well”, he said, “You’ve go me there -
We’ve got a whole shelf on the subject,
But I can’t remember where!”

“If you try to find it yourself”, he said gravely,
“There are dangers we dare not ignore!
Unravel this ball of string as you go -
We’ve lost people like you here before!”

I walked out to the car park,
In left hand book newly loaned.
Drove away in a grey Ford Escort -
A type of car I never owned.

I’m sure the owner understands;
I’m sure the owner will forgive.
His car is in the safest hands -
Now let me see… where do I live?

Its over now, I’m safely home;
The cars gone for repairs.
And I have got my library book
And taken it upstairs.

I feel a sense of “deja vu” -
Me brains mislaid a noun.
I’m halfway up the stairs again,
Or am I halfway down?

A careful jog across the bridge,

Pacing focused on every second beam,

Ears strained for rumble of oncoming trains.

Scramble down embankment, across shed roof,

Jump, clamber and slide down timbers,

Clothes being stripped all the while.

“Last one in is ‘It’!”

Bathing suits in hand we dove naked

Into the cool, dark waters,

Resurfacing behind the piers

To don our suits in safety,

Out of sight and reach of the hapless “It”

Who, from modesty or timidity,

Chose to change behind wooden pillars,

Out of public view.

A final splash signalled the chase begun.

Fingers and toes clawed at limestone walls

As bodies scaled piers, or silently submerged

To resurface undetected a pier or two removed,

While one or two stroked quickly across to the dam wall

From which to plot a strategic leaping dive

Over the outstretched arms of “It”

Who thought he had them cornered.

The quarry selected, the chase engaged;

From pier to pier, up wall and jump;

Up again and over, this time onto the bridge itself,

To take the ultimate plunge back to water,

Staying submerged long enough to disappear

Behind the third pier’s cover

And temporary reprieve.

It was our little piece of heaven,

Our “boys only” retreat from the ordinary and humdrum.

We lived our summers there in our world apart,

Begrudging breaks for lunch or dinner,

Time lost from days of chase and seek.

Late spring brought welcome diversion–

Floating clusters of jelly-like frogs’ eggs

Which we delighted in dive-bombing

From the top of the bridge,

And deliciously revolting green ooze handfulls,

With which we stalked one another in “paint ball” stealth,

Or laboriously carried, slipping and slimy,

As bombs to drop from high pier safety

And prove the earthy vulgarity

Of boyhood masculinity.

Who knows when the spell was broken?

Perhaps the shock of sober possibilities

When water drained for dam repair revealed steel rods,

Like spears, sprouting from the concrete floor,

Uncomfortably close to where the bravest of all

Would dive the twenty-one feet from bridge ledge to water.

Or was it the girls we eventually introduced to our male domain,

Never thinking until too late

How it would cramp our quick-change artistry?

Did the mill owner dismantle the turning wheel

That kept our watercourse alive?

Or maybe it was river controls that older minds installed

To divert the water for a worthier cause downstream

That rendered our pool stagnant

And its magic spent.

But returning visit finds no boyish paradise

No delighted laughter or gleaming bodies

Scaling piers and jumping from bridge’s edge.

Gone the magic and the spell of boy and river,

Replaced by stagnant pools and weedy neglect.

And a proper adult pub with river view,

Erasing all but my memory

Of that idyllic boyhood sanctuary.

And I am left to ponder how fifty years

Have cast a similar curse on me.

When did I last scamper across any bridge?

Or clamber down any timbers?

Or cast any garments to the wind and leap into life,

Naked with delight, and shouting,

“Last one in is ‘It’”?

– John Anderson, 2008

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1. Being right is grossly over-rated (especially when Henry Boyce says so.)

2. Don’t move your lips when someone else is creating a noise (especially when the teacher wears a hearing aid.)

3. If you’re dependent on copying homework for classroom survival, make sure you have more than one supplier (especially just before one of Mr. Keon’s random homework checks.)

4. No matter how excellent your dramatic interpretation, not everyone will be impressed (especially if you’re reading out of an uncensored version of Shakespeare in Mrs. McVicar’s class.)

5. Raking cinders and levelling ground counts as a Phys. Ed. Class (especially when Mr. Maynard is constructing a race track for the track and field meet.)

6. The coat closet in Mr. Carleton’s office can be a very boring place to spend your day (especially when Mrs. Kilburn is too busy to chat.)

7. History class should never follow gym class if you’re a slow-change person (especially if it’s Mr. Millar’s class.)

8. Having a spare in the typing room can be the luckiest accident ever (especially when Mrs. Gillan lets you practice on her typewriters.) Who knew it would soon be called “keyboarding”?

9. Some teachers will see the scared little boy inside no matter how hard you try to rebel (especially ones like Mrs. McQuatt.)

10. A few special teachers can help you survive even when the odds seem stacked against you (especially the ones who touched my life at Almonte High.)

Once upon a time there was a high school

Where we came to learn a thing or two;

Harvey Carleton roamed the halls and checked the washrooms,

Lest we forget what we were there to do.

Chorus:
Those were the days, my friends!

White bucks and crinolines,

We danced the jive while Elvis sang the song.

It was a carefree phase,

Our teen-age happy days, And Almonte High the world where we belonged.

La la la la la la
La la la la la la la!

Days at school were spent in different classrooms

Learning what our teachers thought we should.

Seats assigned according to our test marks,

Or whether we were bad or we were good.

Chorus

Taught by Whiessiel, Tom Keon, Don Maynard,

Gillan, Millar, Buttle, and Hawley;

Brian Doyle, Ron Gould, Missus McVicar,

Jill Norfolk, Carruthers, and McQuarrie.

Chorus

There was Phillips and Missus McQuatt,

Pat Porter, Falt, Georgina Garland;

Ann Richards, Stan Sutter, and Missus Billings

With Missus Kilburn keeping all in hand.

Chorus

It’s close to fifty years since those days

When Almonte High was centre of our lives.

And some have stayed and some have strayed much further,

Yet Almonte’s spirit in each heart survives.

Chorus

- John Anderson

]]> http://adhs45.wordpress.com/2008/06/12/those-were-the-days-john-anderson/feed/ 0 dougsalmon http://adhs45.wordpress.com/2008/05/28/letters-from-parents-excusing-childrens-absences/ http://adhs45.wordpress.com/2008/05/28/letters-from-parents-excusing-childrens-absences/#comments Wed, 28 May 2008 19:33:57 +0000 dougsalmon http://adhs45.wordpress.com/?p=21 ]]> NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND….

These are real notes written by parents. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc’s john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the runs.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don’t know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won’t be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

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